You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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