she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
