Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
