She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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