and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
