Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
