I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
