Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
