i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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