do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
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well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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