I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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