Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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