My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
