I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
