Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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