She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
