Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
