party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
