No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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