he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Randomize
