that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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