she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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