people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
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please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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