Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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