Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
