I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Pooping to opera.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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