Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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