Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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