Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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