Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
