He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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