Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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