So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
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i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
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So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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