New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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