this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
