A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
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The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
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speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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