I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
