420 ftw
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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