Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
