I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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