I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
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Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
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After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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