Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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