Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
