am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
