apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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