If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
