pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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