Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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