I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
