At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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