Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
