she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
