I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
