Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
