Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
