I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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