take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
