if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
