my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and she was petting her beer can
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
