The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
