My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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